What I learned in Berkeley

Peace and love, Party People. It's your favorite cool dude, The Cow, and tonight I am posting to you from Berkeley CA! I wasn't planning on coming to Berkeley, but I got myself in a real shit storm in the Big Apple. That's why I didn't post anything last week, The Cow was checking out the scene in Wall St. Dudes and Dudettes, 50,000 people and more were gathered to protest the Blue Meanies that foreclosed on your grandma's house. Revolution was in the air, as well as a hell of a lot of skunk weed.

Well, I mentioned I got into a little problem. I just so happened to get caught in a police sweep. Some meanie in a blue suit sprayed mace in my eyes, and took my friends to jail. Me? I almost became the guest of honor at a police barbecue. A great big moo-moo-katchoo to my homies from PETA. Thanks guys for getting my ass out of the fire, and I mean that literally.

So here I am, boys and girls, and everybody who identifies as neutral. I am on the left coast where the cops are a little less carnivorous, and I'm in The People's Republic of Berzerkeley, home of People's Park, The SDS, The Weather Underground and the Symbionese Liberational Army. Dude! I walked on Telegraph Ave where Ronny Rayguns sent the National Guard to beat the shit out of people. This is where Peace and Love began.

And I've been learning all sorts of exciting shit about peace, love, and revolution that I just can't wait to share. All my life I thought peace and love was just about peace and love. Well, the groovy people of Berkeley taught me how wrong I was. You see, you can't have peace and love without justice first, and the way you get justice is to keep beating the living shit out of the other guy until you get it. I was confused about that for a while. I mean, when you have two sides beating the shit out of each other like the Israelis and the Palestinians, which side is fighting for justice? Well it's easy once you think about it. It's the side with the grooviest politics. So when Georgie W. sends the troops into Afghanistan, it's imperialist oppression. But, when Wen Jaibao sends the troops into Tibet, it's liberation. Noam Chomsky explains the whole thing better than I do. After all, I'm just a cow and he's a cool intellectual.

Another thing that really confused me is why the cool activists of Berkeley treat their homeless population just like they accuse the IDF of treating the Palestinians. The homeless are also residents of Berkeley but they don't have the same rights. This is because the homeless aren't cool like the Palestinians. So the Berkeley Police and the UC Campus cops can hassle a homeless person for not having ID, just like the IDF hassles Palestinians. When the IDF keeps food away from Palestine, it is a human rights violation, but when the UC Board of Regents or the Berkeley Town Council tries to keep Food not Bombs from feeding the homeless, it's enforcing health regulations. And when Israel builds settlements in East Jerusalem, it is godless imperialism, but when the Regents try to take People's Park for another dorm, it is property rights.

I am so glad that I finally visited Berkeley. I would never have learned these fine distinctions otherwise. So moo-moo-katchoo, Party People, and remember, The Cow will be video blogging on U-tube in the very near future. In my first blog, I'll be performing my smash hit, Trustafarian Paradise.

Peace and Love, Baby. Peace and Love.

Don't Worry GOP, The President Has Your Back

Hey, hey, hey, party people, this is the everloving Cow again. Today I'm in front of Benny's Delicatessen in Madison Wisconsin, signing autographs and giving away free cheddar samples. Moo-moo-katchoo. Stop by if you're in the neighborhood. I'm giving away six free tickets to next week's show at the Roxie. Forgive the mess, because they're still remodeling.

It's hard to believe that almost four years have gone by since the last presidential election. It seems like only yesterday we couldn't wait until Bush left office so everything would get better. Three and a half years later, we're still waiting for everything to get better.

I don't understand why the Republicans are even bothering to run anybody in 2012. Barack Obama is the loyalist Republican in Washington. Do you remember the Gulf Crises? Word is Tony Hayward's calling Obama the best lay in Washington. Let's not be judgmental here. What goes on between a consenting elected official and his corporate sponsor in the privacy of his public office is nobody's business. Whatever lifts your luggage, right? It kind of explains how Obama got more corporate donations than McCain. Obama put out, and the lobbyists stuck the money in his campaign fund. Peace and Love!

The most amazing thing about Obama is his supporters. If I had fans like his, I wouldn't be passing out cheese in front of a deli. That's for damned sure. Unemployment is higher than a Dead Head at a Phil Lesh concert, and Democrats keep insisting that things are better. Obama's a bigger chicken hawk than Bush, and people still blame it all on poor little W. What the hell are they smoking? I'd be afraid to try it because it has to cause brain damage. Bushie's been retired for three and a half years, and they're still blaming him for everything. I bet if I found out what they're taking and pass it out at one of my shows, people would be saying I was as funny as Carlin.

Sarah Palin isn't running for president this election. Remember the mid terms? You couldn't get on the internet without finding somebody ranting about the horrible things that would happen if she became president. A year and a half later, Sarah isn't even on the radar. Do you know what I think? I think the RNC pulled her because she's too sane. Who can tell the difference between Sarah's policies and Obama's? They are still drill baby drilling in the Gulf, and the Bush tax cuts are still in place. If Wall St. wants to keep their best buddy in office, they are going to have to scrape the gutters to find somebody Obama can beat. Otherwise they might have to deal with a real progressive in office.

Notice how the Democrats dropped hope and change like it was a ticking time bomb? Now it's who would your rather have? Would you prefer a reasonably intelligent looking black guy, or a drooling ape like Perry? The scary part are the number of people who would vote for the drooling ape. I think the Republicans are smoking the same shit as the Democrats. Drugs are the only answer that explains what we end up voting for. When is it going to end? America needs a wake-up call.

That's why I'm supporting Ron Paul for president. Maybe some of the libertarians will shut up if the cops don't have the funding to save their asses from the hungry masses. Ron Paul might legalize grass, but what good will that be if it's the only affordable treatment for terminal cancer? If a Paul presidency doesn't shock us all back to reality nothing will. We can hope the voters will come to their senses before he deregulates us into another Somalia. Since we can't find a president to unite behind, maybe we can unite behind a common enemy. I can't think of a better enemy to unite against then a president who takes campaign funds from Stormfront.

Peace And Love, Baby. Peace and Love!

What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? You stop milking the cow after ten years. But wait, there is no cow. I am really two Mossad agents in a cow suit. The cow is a government conspiracy. Don't fall for it. Visit http://thecowisaninsidejob.blogspot.com/.

That's right. I'm a government conspiracy and a tool of corporate oppression or creeping socialism. It all depends on where you stand. It's all relative. Nothing” real. Everything means exactly what you want it to mean. It's all a job going on inside your head. The cow is an inside job and I am the fucking Cow. Moo-moo-katchoo, baby. Peace and love.

This is Sept 11^th. Ten years to this day, George W. Bush went into a blind rage and punished Afghanistan. He never stopped to think of the consequences. That's the greatest thing about being spoiled and rich. Consequences become something that happens to other people. This time they happened to umpteen thousand Afghans who never even heard of The World Trade Center. See what happens when you piss off petty people?

I don't even bother going to peace rallies anymore. What's the use? Nobody is calling for peace anymore. Now it's about something called social justice. I'm not sure what social justice is. As far as I can figure it, Israel was really behind 9/11, and they all need to die for oppressing the Palestinians. Once all the Israelis are dead or dimmi, the Blue Meanies will go away and all will be all Social Justice in Pepperland. At least that's what Cindy Sheehan tells all her Al Jezeera readers. Remember when Cindy Sheehan was supposed to be America's Peace Mom? I guess she decided that there's nothing more peaceful than a corpse.

Never mind the all the evidence leading to Osama bin Laden. Evidence means exactly what you want it to mean. So it's alright that Cindy believes that Israel destroyed the towers. Why not? There are schools in this country that teach intelligent design. It all comes out of the same logic. Whatever lifts your luggage.

So what's the difference between Cindy Sheehan and Ann Coulter? Ann Coulter is making a lot of money promoting the war. I guess her idea of social justice is killing Muslims. Cindy Sheehan is bringing the same kind of social justice to Israel for free. What the hell does Sheehan mean by Social Justice? It is more socially just to kill Jews than Muslims? I don't think anybody knows what social justice is. It's something people talk about while they act our their fear.

Face it, boys, girls, and everybody in between. This country is scared out of our ever loving minds. We are on the hell bound train and we passed the last stop ten years ago. Our troops are rocking and rolling in the Middle East and the Saudis, the Chinese, and Wall St.'s getting rich from it. Ten years ago a bunch of Muslim yahoos pantsed us in public, and we are still freaking out. Coulter, at least, acknowledges facts. Sheehan is in denial. She and her crowd can't come to terms that the almighty United States can be hurt. Their scapegoat is Israel.

It's all about American culture. We are so much into guns and violence we can't get away from it. Sheehan sees the Palestinians as the Star Wars rebels, and Coulter sees America as the fucking Batman. Why not? Life's is all about creating your own reality, right. That's why Peace Rallies are filled to overflowing with people who think the laws of physics are a government conspiracy. They created their reality and they want us to join them.If Luke kills Darth, or if Batman beats the shit out of the Joker, everything will be alright. Jobs will come back from China. The Goldman-Sachs gang will be in Arkham Asylum. All will be peace and love in Pepperland.

It's been ten years and both the left and the right are still milking the 9/11 cow for everything its worth. The right cheers while Muslims die, and the left cheer while Israelis die. Everybody hates what scares them, and both Jews and Muslims have been the target of American middle class fears long before the jets hit the towers. It only makes sense that they would be the targets of hatred after the towers fell. The more things change the more they stay the same.

Humans are basically monkeys and defer to the apes that yell the loudest and piss the hardest. Beck and Coulter are in an epic pissing battle with Sheehan and Chomsky while the war machine keeps on rocking and rolling on. As many conservatives want to see it end as liberals, but our own peace movement gets in the way. In their blind fear, they forgot that justice never comes out of the barrel of a gun. Sheehan forgot that the sons of Israeli mothers die just as dead as her Casey.

Maybe someday, America might remember that peace means putting down the guns; not shooting until the other side dies or submits. Maybe we might remember that “make love not war” does not mean screw over any religious or ethnic group you don't like. In a perfect world, we might come up with a definition of social justice that doesn't include one side murdering the other. Until then, I'm going to have to say the peace movement are as big a bunch of assholes as the Tea Party.

Because, I'm the Fucking Cow! Moo-moo-katchoo. I am the job going on inside your head. Peace and Love, Baby! Peace and Love!